One of the most helpful sessions at our annual marriage retreat is one on the stages of marriage. It helps us understand where we are in our relationship and, if not in a good stage, how to move to a better one. It will be helpful for anyone married.
‘FALLING IN LOVE’ (Stage 1) Remember when you ‘fell in love’ for the first time? You were obsessed with the other person and felt you had the love of the century. Did you know that studies show that that ‘falling in love’ feeling lasts about 2 years – then reality sets in. While it feels very good, it’s really a very self-centered time. Something ‘clicks’ and we don’t have to stretch or grow. We coast on surface attraction. We only see the good in the other and only let them see the good in us. We fall in love with the personality they show us, but then we end up living with their true character, complete with strengths and weaknesses. While it lasts, it’s great! But what happens when we start having a more realistic view of the other and they of us? What happens then? We enter Stage 2.
‘FALLING OUT OF LOVE’ (Stage 2) Every relationship goes through stage 2. Let me reward that to say every relationship enters into stage 2. It’s up to them if they go through it or stay in it. How bad it is or isn’t depends on how much they have been able to really know their mate during stage 1. The more weaknesses as well as strengths are revealed and accepted during stage 1, the easier stage 2 will be. No relationship is always and forever in the ‘falling in love stage.’ Many don’t understand this, and when stage 1 fades instead of working their way through stage 2 and then into stage 3, they separate and find someone else to ‘fall in love’ with – they just keep doing stage 1 over and over and over their whole life. They never get the depth and maturity of stage 3.
GOING BEYOND LOVE (Stage 3) Stage 3 is the goal most relationships never reach. People run into stage 2 and separate – sometimes physically, sometimes just emotionally. Those who stay together instead of divorcing end up withdrawing emotionally, living together more as brother and sister than as husband and wife. They become efficient coworkers, with each one knowing just what their role and responsibility is. They may function quite well to outsiders, but the romance, the spark, the intimate love they once had is gone. They don’t want to pay the price to work through stage 2 so they can enjoy stage 3.
Stage 3 takes a real commitment to forgive, swallow pride, and make a decision to love an imperfect person who doesn’t always deserve to be loved. It’s not something we are naturally good at, nor something our society trains one for. Perhaps that is why marriages in other cultures, where marriage is based on other things than ‘falling in love,’ last longer. There is a more realistic approach, a more rational commitment, more down-to-earth expectations. It takes perseverance and hard work to make a go of almost anything in life, and marriage is no different. The rewards are proportionate to the work. No one ‘falls in love’ and then ‘lives happily ever after’ – our sin nature makes sure that never happens.
But how can one make the transition from Stage 2 to 3 – that takes commitment, forgiveness, sacrifice and putting the other person first. Those aren’t easy to do but are well worth it.
What state is your marriage in?
What is the biggest problem in your marriage and what do you think God would tell you to do about it?
cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
(India & Africa & Spanish Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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