Recently I was asked what should be done when the mate of a church leader switches to a different church, stops going to church at all or turns to a life of sin. How should such a man or woman be viewed? What should other leaders do in such a situation? Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Usually one of two extremes are followed: the faithful mate feels unaccepted and they drop out of leadership and sometimes even the church, or nothing is done and everyone pretends all is fine. Neither of these are right. What would Jesus do? How does God say to handle such a situation? Let’s see what the Bible says.
DON’T IGNORE THE SITUATION. Paul says an elder and a deacon both “must manage their own household well” (1 Timothy 3:4-5, 12). This mainly focuses on disobedient children, but the general principle applies to marriages as well. It doesn’t mean a family must be perfect for none are. It does mean the leader must be doing all they can to direct their family to follow the Lord. Everyone in the family has their own free will and none can be forced so the faithful one isn’t responsible for the results of the others but he is responsible for doing his part to have godly family relationships.
Sometimes a husband will change churches or turn from the Lord, leaving the wife to continue serving. There is not much she can do about that so she should be allowed to continually serving. However, usually it is the man who is faithfully serving the Lord and his wife leaves. That is a different situation for the man is responsible to God for his family. First, much prayer must be made about this situation. Then, the faithful man should seek godly counsel from an older pastor or leader.
Above all, he must focus on himself as a husband and do what he can to show his wife unconditional, sacrificial love as Jesus shows us (Ephesians 5:25-33). He and his wife should seek marriage counseling from a qualified Christian counselor. Even if she is faithfully living for Jesus but going to another church there should be counseling to find any breakdown in the relationship that causes her to not submit to her husband as Scripture commands (Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Peter 3:1). My book, “Marriage and Ministry,” is something they both should read. (Contact me, Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org for a free PDF copy.) A marriage is only as strong as the husband and wife, so any personal issues, fears, guilt, pride, lust, or other sin must be worked on and removed. The man must learn to treat his wife as his #1 sheep by putting her needs first, before his or the churches. She must learn to respond to his loving leadership by showing respect and trust to her husband.
During this process it may be helpful for the man to temporarily step out of church leadership so he can focus on his relationship with his wife. This may be hard, but investing in the marriage will bring many benefits in the future. Other church leaders can take over his responsibilities and decide when the time is right for him to return. That’s not mandatory, just optional. But it may speed the healing and restorative process, especially if sin is involved the life of the unfaithful mate.
DOES A WIFE HAVE TO GO TO THE CHURCH HER HUSBAND GOES TO? The short answer is “Yes.” But they should honestly talk and pray together if there is a conflict and call on God to lead them in the same direction. If God has called a husband to minister in a certain church, He will never lead a wife to go to a different church. A husband and wife are one, a unity, and worshipping together is an important part of that (genesis 2:24; Amos 3:3). Disharmony breaks worship (Matthew 5:23-24). Both spouses must approach their differences without pride or selfish ambition. Both parties should be willing to listen to one another’s perspectives and confess personal shortcomings (Ephesians4:2-3, Colossians 3:13).
DON’T DISQUALIFY THE FAITHFUL ONE FROM SERVICE. If the mate who has changed churches or even turned from the Lord does not respond, it is my opinion that this does not disqualify the faithful one from service. Should one mate leave the marriage I do not believe the faithful one is disqualified. I do not believe that “the husband of one wife” phrase in 1 Timothy 3 disqualifies him. He may do better to move to another location and start a ministry there if his reputation where the marriage difficulties occurred leaves him with a poor reputation with others. Much prayer and seeking God’s will must go into this. But he is not disqualified. God is a God of grace and none of us deserve to lead God’s people. It is only by His mercy that any of us can serve. Hosea’s wife was unfaithful and left him, still he kept speaking for God as commanded. God used this in his life to make him a more fruitful servant. Pray for such a brother and do all you can to support them.
DON’T LEAVE THE UNFAITHFUL MATE. The faithful partner is not to leave the marriage unless there is danger or abuse that puts them at risk. Then they can leave, God has called us to live in peace (1 Corinthians 7:15), but the goal must always be to work things out so they can safely return. There may be a need for the husband and wife to live apart for a while until peace can be reestablished and the marriage restored. Fellow believers should gather around both partners to encourage them, pray for and with them, and help them in any way possible. Paul does say that if one in the marriage isn’t a believer and wants to leave the believer isn’t required to force them to stay (1 Corinthians 7:15).
DO TRY TO RECLAIM THE ONE WHO HAS CHANGED. If the mate in sin won’t repent and return to a Biblical marriage relationship as well as the church, then church discipline must be administered as seen in Matthew 18:15-20. This is to warn the one in sin of the danger of disobedience. It also warns the church about living in sin and lets the people know that everything has been done to restore the one being disciplined. Their responsibility it to pray for them and encourage them to return to a life of faithfulness to God (Galatians 6:1).
This is a difficult situation, but remember God is a God of grace and mercy. His goal is to restore (Galatians 6:1), not condemn (Romans 8:1), and that must be our goal as well.
FOR MORE INFORMATION go to my web site, CTOtraining.org. click on “Ministries,” then “Marriage and Family.” There you will find my books and articles on marriage and family relationships.
cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
ChristianTrainingOnline.org
(India, Africa & Spanish Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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