KNOWING GOD WITH MY HEART, NOT JUST MY MIND
A few months ago, I sent out a blog talking about the time in my life when God seemed far from me, a black night of my soul. I asked it any readers experienced this and in response I received this letter from a reader. With their permission I am sharing it with you.
“I had a six months of time that God felt absent from me. Just briefly. God has always felt near to me all of my life. So, this was very strange. However, two years ago, when I had my breakdown, everything in my life was opposite from secure. I couldn’t tell up from down, left from right. I didn’t know what was true or what was a lie. I think the Lord was doing a work and revealing a lot of things to me. But, one main thing that I believe, He was revealing to me during this time of absence was that you don’t have to feel God to know He is there. Even though it didn’t feel true, I knew it was true. Only with my mind. And I hung onto it for my life. The thought patterns went like this. God is real. He is good. And His character and His promises are trustworthy. Conclusion, I can trust Him no matter what happened, I am safe with Him. However, nothing felt good. Nothing felt safe. I didn’t know how anything would be alright. But it didn’t matter. Everything fell to the side. I just submitted to Him. It was really scary, not feeling His presence.
So, I move forward willingly to accepting whatever the future He had for me. I believe, scheduled by the Lord, I attended a 44-hour program where they help men with the five most common wounds. Deceit, Denial, Fear, Anger and Loss. It was a huge help for me. Twice during this weekend, I saw a vision of the Lord approaching me. I believe it was during the Deceit session; I saw a vision of the Lord approaching me as a little boy, hunching down to me with his hands opened to me. As a background explanation let me share a few sentences to explain why this vision meant so much to me. I was, so I believe, very mildly abused, that I didn’t know I was abused. Like, mildly physically, like mildly verbally, like my abuser didn’t know either. The vision I had was like He was telling me I was there when you were young. I knew what you were going through.
The second time I saw a vision, was during the anger session. I’m not an angry person. I thought this wasn’t for me. I remember realizing that I had maybe not anger but disgust. It was the sin that I was committing that was causing me to be imprisoned. For me, disgust worked like this. I hate that way I was being treated. It’s wrong. I don’t want to be like that. I am not going to be that. I believe this thought pattern started an unreachable goal of perfectionism in an unusual way. Not lining everything up like you would think a perfectionist person would be but, trying not to hurt anyone, offend anyone, do anything that would be disgusting. Can you see the pitfall? They are not bad things on their own but my pride and fear mixed with personal works and goals are dirty rags.
Back to the story, We were doing a hands-on exercise with a large ball. Then it hit me. Perfectionism powered by disgust was this heavy ball in my life that I was carrying around. I confessed it and remember going to the Lord. So much was happening, I feel like I can’t remember actual specific orders of things but, as I went to the Lord, I saw a vision of me at the base of this large boulder with the Lord towering over me, on top of the boulder and then seeing a large white angel wing wrapping around the back of me. It was so comforting because I went from feeling none of His presence but a lot of fear and dark spiritual attacks to complete protection, peace and feeling His presence, care and His love. I felt really safe behind the rock. I felt protected with the Lord over me and I felt covered from behind me where I can’t see. It was a life changing moment and weekend. Highly recommended anyone that is considering going to Marked Men for Christ, to go.
I believe the Lord was allowing me to walk through the darkness to reach the end of myself. I believe He allowed the absence of His presence to show me how horrible the darkness is (Self, world and the devil). I believe He wanted to show me to rest in Him. That He will do it. And also, to do good works through Him, not without Him. But as far as the absence of His presence, for me, the Lord took me from knowing the Lord with my mind to knowing Him with my heart. He cares about me and fights for me, individually and personally. I have the privilege to read it in His word, thinking it in my mind and know it more and more in my heart. Thanks for your weekly blogs.”
He makes a great point: God allows these things because He loves us and wants to draw us closer to Himself. It may not seem like it at the time, but God knows what He is doing!
What has God done in your life (usually something painful) that has helped your head knowledge become heart knowledge?
What might He be doing (or allowing) in your life now that is for the purpose of bringing you closer to Him?
I’d love to hear your story of how God has been working in your life to become more real to you.
cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
(India & Africa & Spanish Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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