Marriage struggles have been going on since the Adam and Eve. Socrates said “By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” The statistics about marriage success today would seem to indicate that many are becoming philosophers – certainly many marriages are not happy. Despite this, the theme of romance forever and living happily ever after appears in many songs, movies, books and TV programs. Mankind seems to be looking for something it isn’t finding – the perfect romance that never ends.
Even as Christians we look for this, expecting God to provide it for us. And He certainly could do so if He wanted. He is sovereign God, He can do anything. He could bring two people together and have them find total harmony and unending oneness. He could – but He doesn’t. He allows two people, both with sin natures, who are different in every way (male-female, introvert-extrovert, etc.) to come together and have to work through their sins and differences. For many people, it is the most difficult challenge they face in life. Unfortunately a large number of couples experience more pain than pleasure from their marriage.
So the questions is: “Why didn’t God make marriage to be easier?” Why doesn’t He let it be all we expect it to be when we get married? Surely He must have a good reason for this, a very good reason.
What if God’s plan for marriage is not to make us happy, but to make us holy? What if He designed marriage to be a tool He can use for our spiritual growth? What if He allows us to see our self-centeredness, and our mate’s selfishness, in order to show us our need of Him? What if He keeps another human being from meeting all our needs so we must ultimately depend on Him alone to meet those needs? Could it be that He allows the stretching and the pain to take place in order to mature us and make us more like Jesus? Is it more important to God to have us become Christ-like than to have us live happily ever after? It certainly seems that is the case!
And if that is true, then we need to completely change how we view marriage – what we expect of our mates and our marriages. Romance is fine and good for as far as it goes, but it falls far short of what we need to make a healthy marriage. Romantic love has no way of dealing with sin and the hurts of others. The danger of basing a relationship on romantic love is that it often doesn’t transition to real life. Romantic love is all about receiving, meeting our needs and making us happy. Married love needs to be other-focused, giving, meeting the needs of another no matter what we receive in return. If a relationship is not based on something stronger than romantic love, it won’t last longer than the romance lasts. If we were perfect perhaps it could work, but with our natural inclination to sin and self-centeredness (James 3:2) the potential for hurting each other can be endless.
Marriage doesn’t meet all our needs, it wasn’t designed to do so and it cannot do so. But it can point us to the One who can meet those needs. Marriage is a means to an end, not an end in itself. It’s important for us to understand and believe this in order correctly face the challenges and blessings that marriage brings. Too often we try to fix symptoms instead of getting to the root problem.
One day a man approached his car in a parking lot but his remote wouldn’t open the trunk or the doors. Finally he got inside but the fuel gauge wasn’t working properly and the car wouldn’t start. He had it towed to a garage which told him that his Basic Control Module, the brain of the car, was not working properly and had to be fixed. He could have replaced the trunk latch, door lock, fuel gauge and starter, but that wouldn’t have fixed the problem. Often in marriage we, too, try to change a symptom such as lack of communication, financial problems, sexual incompatibility, poor conflict resolution, or child raising difficulties, when the problem goes deeper. Understanding God’s purpose for marriage is key to having a meaningful, satisfying relationship with our mate. Did God create marriage to make us holy or happy? It may not always make you happy, but it can always make you holy if it brings you closer to Him!
Think of your marriage. What was your perception of married life before you were married? How has that opinion changed? What expectations did you have for your mate and your marriage? Were they realistic? If you expect your mate to make you happy, why is that setting up your marriage for failure? What can you do to change your focus from your mate to yourself? If God created marriage to make you holy instead of happy, how does that change how you view the challenges in your relationship? Are you allowing God to use your marriage as a tool to make you more like Jesus, or are you focusing your energy on blaming your wife for your struggles and hurts? Ask God to give you a renewed and deeper commitment to your mate, putting their needs before your own and going to God for needs they cannot meet. (Summarized from “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas)
cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
(India & Africa & Spanish Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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