Men are in trouble today! Their suicide rate is four times as high as for women, life expectancy 10% shorter, comprise 80% of the homeless and 90% of all arrests for alcohol & drug abuse. By attacking men, Satan undermines the family and with it the church and our nation.
To being with, ask yourself: “What is a man?” How would you define a Christian man? Since that is our target, it is important we know what we are shooting at. If you don’t really wrestle with that question you won’t get very far. Personally, I like Mark Twain’s definition: “A male is someone who starts pretending he is a man when he turns 12 and keeps doing it the rest of his life.” That’s how I usually feel, but recognizing that helps. Also knowing that I’m not alone in feeling that way helps, too. Often men feel like they are the only ones struggling, that everyone else has it all together and can somehow sense they struggle. Satan really uses things like these to isolate and defeat men today. Many men are trying to be godly Christian men but there are usually obstacles in the way. I think there are seven roadblocks a man needs to overcome to be a man of God today.
1. FATHER’S INFLUENCE Describe your father in 3 words. Were these what you needed when growing up? Would your children describe you in these same terms? What impact has your father had on you as a man? as a father? on your image of your heavenly Father?
Boys need a good, strong, accepting father image. Without it they have no one to show them what a man is to be like, and they find substitutes to ‘prove’ themselves. They need a father to affirm them and tell them when they become a man. If not, a boy will find what the world uses as standards of manhood and try to prove himself by these. Growing up in a woman’s world (school, home, baby-sitters, even church) doesn’t help boys really learn what a man is.
2. MOTHER’S INFLUENCE Describe your mother in three words? In what way is your wife like your mother? In what ways does she play a similar role in your life to that of your mother?
When a father doesn’t fill the leadership role in a boy’s life, he will turn to his mother to have that need met. Instead of meeting it, though, a mother can make it worse if her son becomes dependent on her. Then he will be dependent on women to accept him and affirm him for his whole life. His wife will replace his mother and, instead of leading her, he will have a need to please her and have her approval.
3. CAREER INFLUENCE Define success? Why do men identify themselves and others by what they do? Why are men so devastated when laid off and often fade when they retire? From little on up boys are told that being busy is important. They are told to work hard and are accepted for what they produce. This leads to workaholism in men. Being busy can make us feel good about ourselves. Crossing things off a list can substitute for intimacy and growing relationships. Keeping busy keeps us from thinking about personal problems, troubling emotions, and family needs. Having work fill needs that only family and God can fill can be devastating!
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS What expectations did your grandmother have of your grandfather? What about your mother for your father? Probably they expected their mates to bring home a paycheck and remain faithful to their wife. Is that all wives expect of men today? It certainly is not! Much more is expected. That’s good — because men are to be and do more. But it’s also bad — because no one has taught men just what they are to be/do or how to be/do it! While courting, men convince women they can and will meet all their needs but after marriage that obviously isn’t so. Most wives have enormous expectations of their husbands, and men often have great expectations of themselves. If these are more than or different than God expects, though, there will be frustration and hurt. (see my article “What God Expects of husbands” for more on this.)
5. HANDLING EMOTIONS How did your father handle his emotions? How has that influenced how you handle yours? Most men have a hard time handling emotions. From little on the message was to stuff them and be tuff. Now men are allowed, actually expected, to show emotions. The rules have changed and it is OK. That still doesn’t help men know how to show emotion. There are very few good male role models, and showing emotion as women does isn’t the solution, either. Love is sometimes hard to show correctly, but negative emotions like anger can be even harder. Little boys grow up afraid to show their anger (it just gets their mothers angry at them). In addition, these boys usually are afraid of their mother’s anger and, as a result, grow up to have a built-in fear of woman anger. They’d do almost anything to keep peace and keep from having their wife get angry at them, for it brings back too many bad memories of the rejection they felt when their mother got angry at them. Yes, handling emotions can be a large roadblock.
6. SEXUAL DISTRACTIONS What is the world’s stereotype view of male sexuality? How much has that influenced how you view yourself and sex? Sexual problems are perhaps the most difficult for men to talk about, even among Christian men. Each seem to feel he alone struggles with thoughts and feelings that bring guilt. Deliverance seems impossible. Marriage difficulties can compound the problem. If not handled right, wrong sexual ideas and thoughts can block a man’s spirituality.
7. EXPRESSING SPIRITUALITY Who are more spiritual: men or women? Often we think women are more spiritual than men because they are more emotional, better at relationships and intimacy, more comfortable in church, and pray longer than men. That doesn’t make them more spiritual, though — unless you equate those feminine traits with spirituality! Jesus was certainly spiritual, yet he was in no way ‘female’. Men are just as spiritual as women; they just express it in a different way. Men, don’t feel guilty about how you pray or show your spirituality, Jesus accepts you as you are!
What’s the solution to these roadblocks? Find which one God wants you to work on first (although they are all inter-related) and rely on the power of His Spirit to help you change. Turn to Him as your Heavenly Father to make up for what is missing as He makes you more like Jesus. It’s a gradual process. If I can help in any way please let me know!
More articles, follow-up etc. on web site or email me
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cto Rev. Dr. JERRY SCHMOYER
Christian Training Organization
Jerry@ChristianTrainingOrganization.org
(India & Africa & Spanish Outreach, Spiritual Warfare, Family Ministries, Counseling, World View)
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